9.8.10

I keep thinking about this great Rumi quote- "Come, come, whoever you are. Wanderer, worshiper, lover of leaving. It doesn't matter. Ours is not a caravan of despair. come, even if you have broken your vows a thousand times. Come, yet again , come , come." This has been such an intense year. I quit my job and started a business, ended a 2 year affair with my lover, loved again and lost, and moved twice, and gave away over half my possessions. Even though change is the only constant, I keep thinking if I just make it, just get through this, do something right, it'll calm down, it'll be better, I'll experience relief. But in all of this, I have watched layer after layer fall away, and my own self emerge, not as a creature who's survived something, and at best made something happen, but as a profound and divine spark fulfilling something. The cosmic joke is that ultimately none of this has any significance- it doesn't mean a thing. Someday, the earth will roll over and we'll all cease to exist. Whether I make it or don't, whether my bills get paid or not, whether the object of my desire desires me, or not. None if it has any significance. At first this idea was a despairing one. How our humanity is in love with it's own reflection- our significance in this universe. But then I experienced freedom- It doesn't matter, I can keep coming, even if I've broken my vows a thousand times. The whole point is to come, yet again, and to simply be alive, in this moment, and this, and this. That is the whole point- the only point.

9.5.09

sushi, sake, cider, long walk, dancing lights, nearly full moon, simple touches- tastes really, testing. I had a first date tonight. Dating for me these days is always interesting from the perspective that I'm never what people are expecting. Being in an open relationship is a trip. A good one, one worth taking, but a trip none-the-less. It's interesting telling would-be suitors that I'm not interested in finding "the one", that I'm not here with a goal. That I'm interested in exploring the world and they're welcome to explore it with me.

Just this morning my dear friend was crying on the phone to me about the man that she's in love with and her fear that he won't choose her- that she won't have the life she dreams of because he may not want to share it with her. I found myself talking about commitment vs attachment, and about my own two year open relationship like it's a practice- the same way any discipline is. I don't choose this because it's easy. Quite the contrary. I choose this because I'm confronted almost every day. I have to deal with my insecurities, my jealousies, my fantasies. I have all the benefits of a wonderful, loving, sweet, generous, caring, bad ass man in my life and all the freedom of being single. But this choice consistently puts me at the very matrix of my own life. It's not his job to make me happy (though he does frequently, and it's a bonus), it's not his job to make sure I'm fulfilled, that my dreams are coming true, that I feel loved, accepted, validated, wanted, desired, smart, sexy, funny, popular... That's my job. And in this type of relationship, it's so clear every moment. It's my job to make sure that I have what I need and that I'm secure. The beauty is that then, every moment with him, the sweet things he does, what he loves to provide, are simply enjoyed and appreciated, not layered and frought with my interpretation of what they mean about me and us. He's free to be himself. Just the other day I expressed a desire to try tantra. He had no interest in it. I felt really rejected and resentful. And then I remembered that I'm totally free to go explore that, and he's totally free not to. So I told him that I needed to find someone to explore that with because I felt it was important and that it would be good for me. That I saw it as a way to grow and heal. He thought it was a great idea and was excited about me exploring and expanding! How beautiful to be completely known and seen and loved that way. To only have to show up and be myself- not someone else's everything. And to give him that freedom too. I think, especially as a woman, it's so easy to get wrapped up in someone else. Women have survived for the last 10,000 of patriarchy by pleasing and appeasing men. We have depended on them for food, shelter, status, and survival. We have been treated, literally, as property with no rights of our own. We have been labeled and treated as sub-human and deformed men (seriously- the most brilliant Greek minds thought that women were the "weaker" sex because they were deformed and emasculated men, making them merely a vessel- an idea that was revived with the Renaissance's return to classical thinking.) Most often, if a man was having sex with another woman, it was a threat to one's survival because he may prefer her and throw you out on your ass. Now that we live in a liberated age, there is a lot of demystifying, growing, and healing to do. We have all this freedom, but we still deal with an inherited legacy and confusing emotions. We still struggle to experience our power, and what it actually means to be powerful as a woman. These are all reasons I choose the life that I do. I don't want to slip into what's easy- I don't want those fears and insecurities to go unquestioned. Maybe if I take the time to sort it out, my daughters will have bigger problems to worry about- problems that are worthy of them.

1.6.09

Walking down the street I feel the humanity~ wave after wave of precious, pathetic humanity. I feel their desperation, anxiety, heartbreak. The raw. The numb. The hardened, empty faces pass me by and I feel like a stranger in a strange land. Rare is the joy, light and vital. Everyone trying to claw their way back to the womb~ resentful from the first searing breath life brought them. Forward is pain, backward claustrophobic, and to be still is to stagnate- to live undead. We have forgotten who we are- left Eden with the cavemen. We have turned our backs on mother's love, starved for the divine. We are suns imploding- all of humanity seems as black holes, walking abysses, sucking with unconscious vacuums- me. me. me. Trying to fill the abysmal void. I weep for us all- the pain, torment, confusion~ poor frightened little primates, consuming the world to appease narcissistic appetites, wailing that it's never enough. I weep for our despair. I weep for our promise. I am in awe of our potential~ sleeping giants, every one of us. I want to scream you all awake, from the sheer ecstasy of life force flowing through me. It's not mine anymore than the water belongs to Niagara. It's nothing! It's everything! I want to whisper to you that you are the eyes of God. That you are the precious,the beloved. That none of it means a thing. We are free. Please wake up.